My posts have been infrequent as of late. In truth, I’ve been hiding. After all the revealing things I’ve posted on this blog about my thoughts and feelings, all of a sudden I decided that telling other people what was going on in my head would be unbearable–for both of us.

Right now I am in an airplane decending to a place that holds the life of a desire of mine that is so strong that it aches to think about–the good sort of ache. And so in that feeling space I can say to you: I hate my novel.

I’m really not kidding. I hate it. I loathe it. The greatest joy of my current circumstances would be to let it go, to let it drift off as energy back to the ether of creativity within me. Which is a nice way of saying to bury it and never dig it back up again.

I’ve been worrying horribly over this. I feel like I’ve made this dire Commitment to you, my audience, to Finish This Novel No Matter What. But honestly, I think you all know the truth. My heart isn’t in the thing. It was, once upon a time. I gave this novel everything I had for years. And at some later date, when I am further along on my path, the end of it might become clear. I will look at it and the ending will be obvious and the finishing of it will be a joy.

That time is not now.

I’ve noticed that the most comments I get, I get on the parts of the blog that have nothing to do with the novel. The parts that have everything to do with sorting out who I am. And those posts have been scarce of late, because I’ve been feeling under attack. Because I have been caring too much about what others might think. Of course there is no attack and I am worrying over nothing, but sometimes, that’s just what we do.

When I named this blog Oasis Stories, I intended to write about the Oasis. I wanted to explore it, to get to know the beings that inhabit it more closely. Posting the novel, frankly, was a bit of a gimmick, to keep people coming back. It was also my thought that as it was my first novel, I should finish it and be done with it to help me move on.

What I managed to miss was that I have moved on, and re-opening the novel at this point is a step backward, not a step forward.

I have the rest of the current chapter written, and I will finish posting that chapter. After that, if you really are loving a selfish prayer for light, then comment here. If there are enough comments, I will be persuaded to pick it up again for your sake.

But I have the feeling you’ll like what I choose to write instead much, much better!

That I should have made yesterday, so I apologize.

But here it is: I’m taking the novel posts down to one a week.

I don’t intend to leave you hanging, but I’ve had to shuffle my priorities for a bit. I’ve got a good chuck of story already written, and hopefully going through it slower will keep me from having to force you, my lovely readers, to endure a painful gap in installments.

I’ll be posting new bits of a selfish prayer for light every Monday from now on.

Right then, that’s it. Carry on.

So the unfortunate part is that I packed my laptop and the cab is about to get here, and apparently that is the only puter of mine that has the novel files on it.

Of course.

So no a selfish prayer for light this week. I’ll be back to blogging on Tuesday and back to your regularly scheduled novel entries on Thursday. Anticipation makes the heart grow fonder!

I, will, however, likely be microblogging throughout the weekend, which you can follow on LiveJournal, Facebook, and Twitter. Just clickyclick on the little icons in the “Places Where I Play” box to the right.

Have a great weekend!

Just a little note to mention that I’ve added the blog of the talented Gabriel Gadfly to my blogroll. While you’re over there in my Blogroll box clicking, make sure and check out Kam Oi Lee’s blog with her great writerly insights on revising her novel, The Outerlands. And you have to know by now how much luv I have for Thalia Took’s beautiful Goddess (and God!) images, so check out her blog, Amused Grace, too!