I think I want too much at once.

“Not possible,” Darzee says. We are sitting in the Conversation Tent, lazing about and chatting idly.

“How do you know these things?” Balthazar asks, half awed and half frustrated.

A question I’d love an answer to, but a thoughtful voice breaks in on the conversation. “It’s not wanting too much. It’s wanting it all right now.”

A man made of blue lounges in the tent. He is not a man; he has simply chosen to look like one. He is a water dragon who followed me home from a Chinese exhibit at a museum a few years ago. His name is Tau.

“There you are,” I say. I have not spoke to Tau in months.

“I am always here,” he reprimands me lightly. “You have such trouble listening.”

There’s no point in going over that. How does one correctly balance life in two worlds? I route the conversation back to the topic at hand.

“How can I want it too soon? According to all reports, once you line your thoughts up with your desires the universe should bring it to you *poof!* In an instant.”

“You know that’s not how it works,” he says. “That’s just how you *want* it to work.”

“What do you mean?”

“An instant is never an instant,” Tau says. “*Poof* is never like snapping your fingers. In other words, you can’t get something for nothing. You can want it, and you can be in line with it, and the universe can bring it to you, but without motion there cannot be shifting, or change. You move, and in your movement the opportunities come.”

“So you have to move towards something to get it.”

“Exactly,” Tau says. “That’s your biggest problem. You’ve already got the physics of it. Initial inertia is the hardest to overcome. And in this particular scenario, the universe can’t overcome it. You have to push. You have to start the movement. However hard it is to get momentum up, that is what you have to do. And that is why it seems to take so long. Because you have to get continuous motion going. Once you have that, the universe can work with the energy you’ve created.”

“That almost makes sense. But why is it so hard to get things in motion?”

Tau sniffs and leans back in his chair. “Oh now that,” he says. “That’s the thing you keep struggling with and making a huge mess out of, isn’t it?”

I am standing by the river, watching the bonfire. The flame warms me until I am too hot, but I do not back away.

“So,” Anubis says.

I turn my head to see him walking up to me. He wears his jackal-head and is tall and thin, his skin ebon-black. But at each step the sign of the jackal melts away until he is a bronze-skinned man with dark eyes and hair. His complexion is rather ashen, and his dark eyes are sunken with eons of wisdom.

(more…)

I shake Ismael’s arm. It’s not moving but I continue trying to shake it anyhow.

“TBC has a *you*?”

Ishmael looks disgusted. “Of course he does. Everyone does. Everyone means everyone.”

“I want to meet him! Can I meet him?”

Now Ishmael looks amused. “Sure.”

“In the Conversation Tent?”

“If you like,” Ishmael says. His mild reaction to my excitement gives me a twinge of annoyance. I hate when I am excited and others don’t share in the fun. I punch his arm.

“Ow. Look, I talk to angels all the time. It’s of no great consequence to me to talk to another one.”

“Well why didn’t you suggest it to me before?”

Ishmael looks uncomfortable. “That’s not really the way it works,” he said nervously. “That’s a little too….meddling.”

Bagheera snorts. “Idiot pansy angels.”

Ishmael glares at the panther. “I’ll get him,” he says, and vanishes.

“C’mon Bagheera!” I rub the big kitty’s head. “We’re going to meet TBC’s angel!”
(more…)

4 of Wands, ©Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

I don’t even know who to ask for help. I feel like I am overwhelmed by possibilities on so many sides that I don’t know where to look first. I am standing on the gate wall of the Oasis, looking down over it, trying to decide.

Seph comes over to me. He lowers his great eagle head for a pet. “If the answer is not within,” Seph says, “look without.”

I try to surround myself with wisdom. “Will you go flying with me?”

Seph snorts. As if I have to ask a gryphon to fly. I hop onto his broad lion back and we are sailing across the deserts on warm, bright thermals.

An answer from without meant calling on one of the Ladies. I did not know whom to call on. I didn’t even know if my question was about love or meaning. And then suddenly I know.

“Seph,” I call out. “Please, take me to the garden of Anath.”

I am a wood tiger. I don’t dabble much in Chinese philosophy, because it feels very foreign to me. There’s thousands upon thousands of years of nuance to it that I simply don’t get.

But I got this one. A bit of a description from a meld of my Western astrology sign (Libra) and the Chinese:

Love acts as a motor for you. Thanks to it, you can move heaven and earth and achieve feats. Your love affairs are never tranquil they are ordinarily fraught with storms and reconciliations, desires of freedom and oaths of fidelity. In order to reach sentimental happiness, you should in the first place find good interior balance.

This has shifted everything in me like a earthquake. But there is more land now, more room. A different vantage point. A way out of the same old wall I’ve been beating my head against.

Love acts as a motor for you.

It’s time to do.

Today I have made vision boards, using Carla White’s Vision Board app for my iPod touch. I spent most of the day at it, pouring over what I want for different aspects of my life.

Only on one aspect was I unsure: my living space. I have not committed to anything yet, no even in the short term. It makes me weary to think of it as still unsettled, but there you have it. In all other aspects, I found more pictures than I could use for all the things that I cannot wait to have happen in my life.

I was very surprised to find that making the vision boards was very fun. Much more fun than my original vision board for this year.

“I want to burn it,” I remark to Darzee. She and I are standing in my apartment, looking at the vision board I have up on the wall. “It’s so muddled and not what I really want. Can I just burn it?”

Darzee shrugs. “It’s your vision board. I agree with you; the ones you made today are much more helpful. These pictures are not giving you the strength you need.”

(more…)

In the mornings, I try to sit down and meditate for a short bit. I also like to pull a “faerie of the day” from The Faeries’ Oracle.

Lately the question in my mind when I pull a card has turned from “Which faerie would like to help me get through the day?” to “Which faerie would like to help me have fun today?”

This changing your focus thing? More and more it works. Insidiously, my brain is now looking for sources of joy and life, not proof of more misery. Also, chanting mantras to Ganesha (Remover of Obsticles) and Lakshmi (goddess of wealth and fortune and all-around goodness) has *really* helped the focus.

I hodgepodge my spirituality, but it still works.

“I almost lost it there,” I say to Ishmael.

“Almost,” he says. He gives me a big hug. It feels a little like TBC’s hugs. It feels *a lot* like TBC’s hugs.

I’m supposed to get that “almost” is not “did.” I get it, but I still feel badly.

“Will you ever get how incredible you are?” Ishmael murmurs into my hair.

I don’t feel very incredible. It’s been a horrible day. It’s that time of the month and I ache, and whatever hormonal convolutions my body has to do to start off the fireworks always makes my mood go south. Every time it’s the same: my focus on what will be is ripped away and all I can see is what is, and what is is what I don’t want. And then I get desperate and start looking at scams online, like I have for the past seven months or so, trying to understand how a smart, educated person like myself has failed to figure out an effective way to make a solid income.

And *then* I get angry that a smart, educated person like myself managed to make enough mistakes in life (really, in love) that it took me ten years to realize that I wasn’t happy. And I get angry that I went out on a crusade to figure out how to make me happy, which included a long detour into who I am when my own happiness is my guiding star, and for all of that I am still living a life which doesn’t make me very happy…

…yet.

“Almost,” Ishmael whispers.

I’m a tad late on this one. The universe will just have to forgive me.

My intentions:

• to have money come easily and joyfully to me, especially through the projects that I love working on
• to live and grow happily through the rest of this lifetime with TBC
• for everyone that I know, especially friends and family, to do whatever it takes to be happy and feel good

Everything else, I think, are just really fun details or loving obligations.

I begin most mornings these days by picking up my iPod and listening to a few minutes of an Abraham-Hicks DVD. I feel like I need as much help as I can get remembering that I am source energy, and not this lonely creature who is half the time optimistic and rest of the time fending off doubts.

On this particular day I had a writerly thought: what if I made source energy a person? If the point is to come into alignment with the eternal Me, why don’t I just ask it how? I’ve made every other concievable thing into a character in my head to talk to anyhow.

(more…)