what was lost
I am standing by the river, watching the bonfire. The flame warms me until I am too hot, but I do not back away.
“So,” Anubis says.
I turn my head to see him walking up to me. He wears his jackal-head and is tall and thin, his skin ebon-black. But at each step the sign of the jackal melts away until he is a bronze-skinned man with dark eyes and hair. His complexion is rather ashen, and his dark eyes are sunken with eons of wisdom.
“So,” I reply. Anubis has given me the Jungle of my Oasis, a wild place full of energy, beauty, power, creativity, and a hint of chaos. Thinking of it makes the crown on my head blaze with a rainbow of light for a moment, because the Aspects often live there.
“You begin to understand,” he says.
“Death is letting go,” I reply, though I do not know where those words come from.
“You have left the dominion of the Moon,” he says. “You have passed through my kingdom. What wisdom do you bring with you?”
“That the journey is steps, one thing to the next. That each step much be gotten through, that there is no shortcut around it. That the way is destiny, and that I am the one that carves route through the stars. That following one’s bliss is actually to search to find the things that make you most happy, and not to settle for anything less. And that is why the ride must be enjoyed, because each step is the chance to move closer to what fulfills.”
Today I have realized two things. One is that that I do not truly believe that I can be prosperous doing what I love. This is a treacherous weed of a thought, and I am already working to exterminate it. The second is that I love nothing like I love TBC. I feel better when I am around him than when I am doing any other thing. And while that means many things on an interpersonal level, on an *intra*personal level it means this: that I have not yet found the things that I most love to do.
I have found men that I could love. But not as much as I effortlessly love TBC. And also I have found professions that I could love. But because they do not feel like I feel around TBC, I know there are things that I will love doing even more.
The job I have now is necessary. The personal career goals I have feel more rewarding, but they are still only steps. They must be passed through, to find the things that make me light up like he does.
Each step closer to happiness.
Anubis leans over and kisses my cheek. “These are good things,” he says. “Do you know what it is that you have let go of?”
Something in me died on the day that TBC and I talked, and I realized truly where we stand. But it was something old and withered and broken, and its passing had been a mercy. But as I left that conversation feeling strangely reassured by facts that should have left me desolate, I still do not know what was lost.
“I do not know,” I say. “What in me has died?”
“Truth,” Anubis said. “Now you have no further use for truth. Now you know what is.”
